Speaking Very Slowly

Atlantic

2011-07-18T16:27:00.000-07:00

It's been so long I could measure time in miles, which would, actually, feel more adequate since my life and everything concerning it has changed so much. (Also location wise, that's why miles would be proper).

But I don't want to speak about the process, I don't want to remember everything today, it's present enough in my mind each day, for I know how lucky I am since everything changed so much.
Though it seems to me once the biggest change came, everything else had to change: stage by stage, as if every element surrounding me were scales, renewing themselves, giving me a newer skin. Strange.

I'm so glad all those changes took place... And yet, I am so scared for the ones to come... Because they're uncertain, and there was a point back then when that didn't scare me at all, but now... now it terrifies me.
Not knowing... that's always been the source of horrors.

Then knowing turns to panic.

Commitment

2010-05-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

I'm too commited, I commit far too easily and deeply with anything I feel is my cause.
If I could go back and give my past self a good piece of advice I would say: "Never do commit to anything or anyone, trust me, I know us, both you and me, we were meant to be betrayed and to fall too deep into causes and tie ourselves tightly around something that was rot from the beginning, never try to make amends. You'll risk your own soul's integrity, that's true, but you don't need to care, for no one else cares."

Twisted, sick, sad. True nontheless...

2010-05-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

I will stop complaining about how I wish I was creative, because everytime I do so I'm losing an amazing opportunity to employ myself into actually being creative.
I'll grab whatever I feel like using, I don't care I haven't mastered it, I'll take chances.
And so.. I'd draw a red breasted robin.

2010-03-11T12:46:00.000-08:00

So when you don't know where else to look...
where can you find the answer?
Where can you find somebody to phone you and remain silent while you weep?
I'm done.
But this is nothing compared to what she's going through.

Superstition

2010-03-02T03:12:00.001-08:00

I'll cross my fingers
I'll touch wood
I'll keep myself away from ladders and black cats
I won't disturb my karma. Not today.
You're gonna get this, I'm sure!

Wear Off

2010-02-28T13:30:00.000-08:00

I like being conscious.
I like feeling like I own a situation, and being aware of what's going on around me.
But I won't mind being sedated in some sort of way.
Sometimes having given up drinking it's a pain in the ass, that helped me abstract myself, and release everything that I carried along with me, bad feelings wise.
Being sober doesn't help at all; it does help to cope with pain, and take it in, but you're just a bottomless sack that keeps on filling minute after minute.
I'd love to take the easy way out of this, but it would feel too soothing, anesthesizing...

This is fucking mixed up...

Empty bed

2010-02-24T15:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel you're not real, and that scares the hell out of me.

Muddle along

2010-02-23T15:09:00.000-08:00

I think I've never wanted something quite enough as I want this.
I want you to get a job.
I really do.
I promise all my energies are set on that thought, and on that particular wish. I'm sure I've never wanted something as much as I want this, as much as I want it to come true, and be tangible, and doable, and possible, and real...
I wish I could embrace back my beliefs so praying won't feel so capricious and hypocritical, but I'd give them up too long ago, so I can just wish and wish for it until the world turns in the direction I desire and meets my longings. And also yours.
I want you to get a job so everything can grow up to be better. So you can laugh, and be at ease, and I can stop worrying, and so the wrinkles in my forehead will disappear.
I want you to succeed, because I care, because I love you, because you're the kind of brother I've never had: an equal, covered in shell, soft in the deepest, but still strong and proud.
And you think you don't, but you really need for someone to wish all these things for you, because maybe, and only maybe, if you wished them yourself, you'll be jinxed forever, and I'd rather risk my own luck than put yours to question.

I want you to be happy. Because I need you to be, and that is selfish, but it's also true.

Light the way

2010-02-23T13:05:00.000-08:00

"In each century since the beginning of the world wonderful things have been discovered. In the last century more amazing things were found out than in any century before. In this century hundreds of things still more astounding will be brought to light. At first people refuse to believe that a strange new thing can be done, then they begin to hope it can be done, then they see it can be done- then it is done and all the world wonders why it was not done centuries ago. [...] To let a sad thought or a bad one get into your mind is as dangerous as letting a scarlett fever germ get into your body. If you let it stay there after it has got in you may never get over it as long as you live."

The Secret Garden Frances Hodgson Burnett

Come clean

2010-02-21T14:56:00.000-08:00

There are several things in life that are hard to aknowledge and to assimilate.

One of the worst: you're everyone you love, you're everyone you surround yourself with.
That takes a lot... a lot of concern, paranoia, energy... but how could we live otherwise?
And it's good to have people coming into your life, and crossing your path, and it's hard to wave goodbye, but nonetheless highly necessary.

Some of the people you get to know weren't meant to stay with you. And that is also hard to anticipate and to soak up after it's happened, but again, necessary.

I'm glad all of you are in my life. I'm glad I can count you with my left hand fingers, I am glad you remain.
And I'm no longer sad for the ones who left, they weren't meant to share this.

I love you all

Take Up

2010-02-21T14:47:00.000-08:00

"She heard a chirp and a twitter, and when she looked at the bare flower-bed at her left side there he was hopping about and pretending to peck things out of the earth to persuade her that he had not followed her. But she knew he had followed her and the surprise so filled her with delight that she almost trembled a little.

'You do remember me!' she cried out. 'You do! You are prettier than anything else in the world!"

The Secret Garden Frances Hodgson Burnett

Went hiking...

2009-10-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

...last Thursday I had to hike for a while to take some pictures as an assignment for my Photography Artistic Processes class (which ended in IKEA.. God I love that place...)... here are some of the results, all of them including the blue and beautiful sky that kept spotless throughout the afternoon!

Listening to: Radiohead · Airbag

Restrictions I

2009-10-07T14:29:00.001-07:00

It truly is a bummer when you have so many restrictions in your life.
For an instance restrictions about my boyfriend.
About my own life. That's sad, and it's cliche to be telling it here, but that doesn't change the fact that it's true and that it's a bummer.
I need him so bad... specially after a horror movie... God, I'm so scared.

Colourless Colour

2009-10-07T07:40:00.000-07:00

So finally I went for a blog. I've been pretty impressed today by an artist I had never heard of before: Georges Rousse, everyone should check his work at least once, it's so original.